In episode 17, Wine Tears and Jellybeans, Elaina is joined by entrepreneur and vocal coach Katti Powell along with author and Relationship and Dating Coach Ieva Kambarovaite in a discussion about their experiences, challenges, anxieties when it comes to dating in their 40's.
"My alone feels so good, I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude."–Warsan Shire
In episode 17, Wine Tears and Jellybeans, Elaina is joined by entrepreneur and vocal coach Katti Powell along with author and Relationship and Dating Coach Ieva Kambarovaite in a discussion about their experiences, challenges, anxieties when it comes to dating in their 40's.
Dating at any age is a challenge. As we grow, learn mature, and discover who we are as individuals, one would think that dating and finding someone to connect with would become more comfortable. For some, that is not always the case. Our life experiences and journeys shape our worldview, and often we carry the weight of past experiences into new ones. How do we move beyond these fears and anxieties to find not only ourselves but a life partner?
In this episode, Elaina and Katti share their personal experiences as Ieva offers an objective point of view, evaluating both female and male sides to this new world of dating and relationships. In the discussion, they address the following:
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Elaina:[00:00:00] I’ve been single for the past five years and I’ve had a couple bad relationships and I needed a break to just get my stuff together, and so I really focused on my mental well-being and self-care and self-love, figuring out who I was and who I wanted to be. And, I really do. I threw myself into work and into school and into raising my daughter, and I didn’t even think about dating or the opposite sex.
It was not an interest. I actually avoided it at all costs. Like I have friends all the time, like, hey, I have this really cool cousin that just moved to town and You to will be perfect for each other. No thank you. And so, one day I was just like, you know, maybe give it a shot and just see what happens. And so that’s when, of course, I tried the dating apps.
And when I say try dating apps, I mean many over the past couple of weeks. I’m back at that point where it’s like, maybe I’ll just stay single for a little longer.
Ieva:[00:00:57] So you would like something that could get you back on track, something you want me to give you some love? Hope that there is hope out there.
Elaina:[00:01:04] I don’t know if hope is enough at this point.
Ieva:[00:01:08] Okay. So, the first thing I would say is that you know where your attention is. Where you concentrate on your life. This is what you usually get. Not say that your main focus in your life has to be to find the relationship, but I appreciate that you are very busy. So maybe in your busy schedule you’ll be like, you know what, every day at 7:00 PM, I’m gonna spend half an hour on an online dating site. And just pick one. If you say just for a couple of weeks to try it, all these different dating sites and you’re not getting anywhere, and I know it can be really scary because especially men, that they put these terrible pictures out there.
The things they’re saying out of there, some of them they look like serial killers. You don’t even see is it his elbow, is it his nose. Like what is this? And there are a couple of things that you can do even in your pictures. what kind of pictures I putting out there. You might be having, I don’t know, maybe have a successful business and you had a branding photo shoot.
So, I feel the pictures that are for your brand and from that branding photo shoot and not necessarily will be suitable for the online dating sites because you’re putting a different energy out there. you’re not looking for potential leads in your business. You’re looking for someone that you can form a relationship.
So have a look at pictures, how can you even maybe stand out. A little bit and that you’ll see your pictures tell a story. So, if you do find someone that you can match with, you have something to talk about because you know, it’s very difficult for men as well. It’s not just you, but for guys out there, I know there was more choice for men, way more choice because you know, women are beautiful and they know they’re right angles and all these things, but it’s very difficult for guys out there as well.
And also, in your description. I think very often in online dating sites, they’re saying, okay, what are you looking for? And women are putting things like, no booty calls, no timewasters, no, someone who is separated, no, I don’t know this and that. So instead of saying, you know, what am I looking for?
Why not put that. what can I actually give you? So know different things and change the perspective and also make your profile description a bit more fun and say there is a big difference in, you know, I like reading and I find books sexy men like these things. And you have your playful side and I feel like I haven’t dated in five years or so.
It takes a bit of time I am to get on that track, but you can totally do that. And just take it very slowly. Don’t be discouraged because it can be so, so discouraging.
Elaina:[00:04:09] You bring up some really great points and that’s a lot of advice. Then I am grateful for it and I’m going to share some of the experiences, but I want to hear a little bit from Katti. Katti, what’s your experience been?
Katti:[00:04:23] Yeah. Okay, so I was married for 17 years when I, the last time I dated. Dating sites to the best of my knowledge didn’t exist. And so, and I’m a someone who works from home online, whether we’re in a virus situation or not, I always do that. And so, I’m kind of isolated anyway by myself to meeting people except in the online world.
Wasn’t really, I don’t know, it wasn’t, I don’t really know people in my town. And so, I decided. Honestly, I was looking for something to do on New Year’s Eve and because I wanted to go and do something, I love New Year’s Eve. And while I was looking, I spent several hours, I live in Las Vegas. And so, I figured, how hard can it be for me to find something fun to do on New Year’s Eve?
It proved to me much harder than I thought it was. And in the middle of it, an ad for harmony came up and I was like, huh, I’m curious. And, and I think the most jarring thing for me. When I signed up for it was, well, I met some really amazing people. I was really impressed with how they score compatibility.
There’s lots of different questions they ask you, and it was just fascinating to me, and there were a couple of really good matches, but the thing that was the most fascinating to me is that. The men, at least that I was talking to in December, were saying, I’m meeting all kinds of women and I’m dating all kinds of people all at once.
And I was like, huh? What? Oh, okay. And I didn’t know how to feel about that.
Elaina:[00:05:54] Like, just so you know.
Katti:[00:05:55] Yeah, and I was like, oh, wow, okay. I don’t know how to feel about that because I’ve always done a sort of one at a time kind of thing. And so, it was kind of weird in the beginning to deal with that. And it was hard for me emotionally.
To deal with that. I mean, even though it was just very, you know, like let’s go have coffee. Kind of a thing was not like; it was super intense. It was very weird for me to think about, you know, now I have feelings for this person. He’s like going off and meeting with other people. It was weird. That was one of my first experiences.
That was strange, but I’m not doing that one anymore. And so, then I moved into the Facebook version. Woo. It is. It’s a trip and I can’t even count how many times someone said, can you send me a full body picture? Like ewe? Like, oh my god. I don’t know. So that’s been.
Elaina:[00:06:50] What are you doing with the picture? It makes you feel icky, right?
Katti:[00:06:53] Yes, exactly I don’t know. It just, to me, it said a lot about them. Yeah whatever. I don’t know. That was hard for me, but I mean, I have no problem sending them, but here’s the other thing. I’m home alone and I don’t have a full-length mirror. I don’t really know that I have a good way to take one.
Elaina:[00:07:07] And I’m only five, one and a half, and so my arms are short, so no selfie is going to capture all of that. Yeah. I came across one guy was like, don’t worry ladies. I’m just as tall as the same height that you take your selfies. And I’m like, some of us have to take our selfies at that distance.
Katti:[00:07:22] Right, because otherwise you don’t get anything but your nose. I’m only a couple inches taller than you, by the way.
Ieva:[00:07:30] So I get it with the, and I’m very sorry, Katie, that you have this frustrating experience, but to know when it comes to men asking girls full length pictures, the reason they do that is because women are very crafty these days and they’re using all these apps to make themselves smaller and make themselves bigger in places that they wish.
And a man spends weeks, sometimes even months communicating with someone, and then they meet that woman in real life and she looks completely the opposite. What she was showing in the pictures. And some men do that as well, you know, they, they’re showing their graduation picture that and that graduation was, well. 20 years ago. This is, you know why it does happen like that.
Elaina:[00:08:29] And Ieva, you again, you are bringing up great points and my logical side, my logical side is like she is on point. I understand it. It makes sense.
You have so many catfish out there. So many scammers out there. If I get one more person. Who tells me that they are in Syria on a peace or they are getting ready to lose their internet and they will, I am going to lose it.
So, as a woman who’s actually looking for someone to date, it is very discouraging. You don’t know if the person you’re messaging back and forth with, it’s actually who they say they are. I get messages from guys and they immediately say like, I got one yesterday. I got one, yesterday he said that he was in Syria and I kind of played along like, oh, really?
And he’s like, yeah. And he has a 15-year-old daughter. For some reason, everybody that’s on a military mission in Syria right now has a 15-year-old daughter. And I keep wondering like, are you the same person or do they sell this script somewhere? But he’s like, and I’m looking to get married and I will move anywhere in the world.
I find my sweetheart. I’m like, oh, yeah. Well, what qualifications that someone has to have for you to apply route and move your daughter to, anywhere in the world.
Elaina:[00:09:49] You brought up earlier, you talked about women put in their profiles, no booty calls and know this. It’s because we get bombarded. I had a guy who messaged me and he, he asked me the most vulgar thing.
This was his first message of a sexual favor that he wanted to perform immediately reported and blocked. It makes you feel icky sometimes. It’s really easy to get discouraged.
Katti:[00:10:13] I will say that I have met some lovely people, like I have met really nice, awesome people, but I’ve also had some doozies and like you’re talking about the sexual favor stuff. This is something that I’ve run into a lot that’s been very frustrating where you talk with them on the app for a while and then at some point they say, do you want to talk on our regular phone numbers?
And so, then we switched. We exchange phone numbers and it’s like all of a sudden, once we get to the texting world. They become these like graphic sexual conversations. All of a sudden, I’m like, Whoa. We were just talking about your favorite color and stuff like that and now, but why did it shift into this all of a sudden, just cause you have my phone number. Yeah, it’s bizarre.
Elaina:[00:10:58] Because you can’t report him on the app and get him kicked off it.
Ieva:[00:11:06] Now. So again, so if some of the things that maybe sometimes when I say, you know, it sounds like I’m on men’s side, and the reason it is like that, because I’ve coached a lot of guys. And they really struggled to meet women and they’re lovely guys and they’re the guys, that would never send these pictures and not never send these kinds of videos.
You know, at some point I was getting videos through my Facebook of men masturbating, you know, to this kind of degree. But these are just very, very, very few men, you know, in, in regards to how many men are out there looking for women like you to meet. So, if online they think is not your thing, then I think a good place would be to find someone in real life.
So, for example, maybe you could volunteer, I know you are busy, but maybe that could be something that you could do to go out and meet some people. Maybe you could be like, you know what, on Saturday I’m going to have a breakfast somewhere in town. Or, maybe it’s, it’s like once a month or once a week, whatever. You feel comfortable and you go into a place thinking, okay, what is the kind of person that I would like to meet?
Would that person that I would like to be with? Would they eat at McDonald’s or do they feel more that I care about health and I would like to have something else instead. So, know things like that you can, it doesn’t necessarily have to be online dating. If you have very, very hard experience, because I can, I can understand why it can be very discouraging.
However, from my own experience, all the long-term relationships that I had. All these guys, I met online.
Elaina:[00:12:56] And here’s the thing. I don’t want to make this just about dating apps. I’ll give you an example. So, I have met a couple of people who were real, and I had a great connection with one guy. We talked to every day, all day, great conversations.
We moved to text messages. It’s still the same thing. Nothing inappropriate, but I just wanted to know more about him. And he was very hesitant or very, or he would deflect. And see, I picked up on that. So, you know, I spy, I will investigate. I know I do some Google searching now. I basically found his, his profile pictures on Facebook with a different name.
Elaina:[00:13:38] He’s engaged. So, it’s just one of those things where even when you do meet someone that you have a real connection with, and I feel like he and I could have met at a grocery store. And we would have had that same connection and the outcome would have still been the same. He still would have been someone that’s in a relationship with someone else trying to date me.
So, I think my issue is just not just about the dating app, it’s just dating in general. Like it just makes me want to just stay single and just keep it moving.
Ieva:[00:14:12] Do you believe, Elaina, that there is someone out there for you do believe that there is a person out there for you that you could meet, like to date.
Elaina:[00:14:21] I would like to believe it.
Ieva:[00:14:22] So I think that’s a good place to start. You know, it’s like with business, if still you start a business and you like, you know what? It kind of feels that I like the idea of it, but I don’t think it’s possible right now. So, I think it’s very difficult, you know, to attract that person. Especially if you meet someone and you start thinking, oh, it’s not going to happen because of this, and it’s okay to feel like that, you know, I don’t feel like we will be able to fall in love the way we do when we are 16 or 17 and when we don’t know anything.
So love is going to be different. But I still think, you know, that. There are so many guys out there that would love to meet women like you.
Elaina:[00:15:05] Where are they? I’m here.
Ieva:[00:15:10] But do you do go out? Do you interact with people? Do you, do people that know you, do they know that you are looking for someone. Because I think it’s good to use your, you know, use your network as your network. Use your network as your matchmakers.
Elaina:[00:15:27] Yeah, but most of my friends are, are married or in relationship and some of them are not the best at, I have one friend, God bless her, but every couple of months she’s like, I got someone for you. And I’m like, here we go again. Never works out. I think I’m an amazing person. It’s going to take another amazing person to disrupt the peace that I have being single.
Katti:[00:15:54] That’s interesting. I think, having been married for so long, I’m maybe coming from a different place where I’m just starting to feel what it’s like to be independent and on my own and, and I like it, but I’m more used to having a person around in a person in my life, which I think was what was so weird for me about someone being like, oh, I’m just going to date everybody around. And then I had talked to my cousin about it who said, yeah, yeah, that’s really how this works, people date everyone. They don’t just stick with one person until it gets serious and then, I was like. oh, okay, that’s weird. But I think the other thing that for me helped a lot.
I have a performance background. I will just tell you, in acting school you, you learn the nitty gritty of how to be completely vulnerable. In everything that you do. And so I’m a pretty open book and I think that has served me well in this dating environment because I kind of have a, nothing’s off limits policy in my communication and in what I put on my profile.
Like I just want to be super upfront about absolutely everything I can be. And show my personality as much as possible in my pictures. And in my writing about who I am and the, you know, answering of the questions that they asked you and stuff like that. Cause I want them to be able to get a sense of me as a person just from looking at my profile without ever having to talk to me.
And I think that has really helped me, but also the other thing that’s helped me is having my own checklist. I did have a few dates with someone who, mentioned to me that when he got divorced, he created a manifesto. And, I thought that was such a great idea. And I, I did a lot of work myself after mine.
And I, so I ended up creating one of my own as well. And I basically. I look at these profiles through that filter of these are the, these are my non-negotiables, and these are the things that are important to me, and if those things are missing. In any way, then it’s a no and I, I think that for me, having clear boundaries about what I will and will not accept what I do, absolutely has helped me in the searching process.
But I also think the vulnerability component in my profile has helped me too, I guess attract the better people, and it’s easier for me to see the ones that are no’s right away. You know what I mean? I dunno if that helps at all.
Ieva:[00:18:34] Hmm. That was so good. Katti. That was so good. That’s one of the things to know that I, I would recommend someone is to be very clear about the person that they want to meet, but also when you make that list and that list can be as creative as you want.
I think it’s also to ask yourself, okay, and my, that person that can meet this. Cause some people are like, Oh, I want to meet someone that has a six pack, but they wouldn’t even exercise. Oh, I want to meet someone that makes six figures, but they can hardly pay the electricity bill. So it’s, I think it’s also important to know to have a bit of an audit of yourself and see, okay, what kind of person do I like the way I am what kind of person can I meet with where I stand in the way I am? Because I think all of us, we have our own stories and we are quite difficult to live with. And if we are thinking, Oh, I’m miss perfect and God’s given gifts to the person that I’m going to be with, I’m not sure it’s not right, because I feel like we all bring our own stories and our struggles and the things that we are working on and it’s never ending.
Elaina:[00:19:53] You both bring up some really great points, and I am definitely a person that feels like when I interact with someone, I do go into it with like, I’m just going to talk to you, see where it goes. So one of the other challenges I find is I get bored with the conversation really quickly, and I don’t want to feel like I’m forcing you to interact with me.
And I’m not going to be messaging you constantly and I’m not getting like at that point I just feel like you’re not interested. Maybe my list isn’t thorough enough cause I need to be simulated by conversation. If you can stimulate me with conversation and if you can make me laugh and you have my attention and I want to get to know you on whatever level that looks like, if we just become friends, if we become more, whatever that is, I’m open to.
But if I feel like. I have the force conversation with you, I’m not going to spend that kind energy on that.
Ieva:[00:20:46] Feel like this is what Katti touched, and that’s very important. It’s being a vulnerable when you are, because in the conversation, especially if it’s a person that you feel like, oh, I quite like this person.
Someone needs to take that first step towards a vulnerability and show a bit of themselves, because very often people are trying to show that they’re so perfect. And they want to impress each other. So one has to put that foot down and be like, okay, I’m going to show my vulnerable side. Then this other person will follow. So, I think this is very important.
Katti:[00:21:23] I agree. I think also even saying like, you know that conversation is important to you and you know that it is. It has to be stimulating, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying that in your intro and be like, this is, this is what I’m looking for. I’m looking for someone who is able to maintain a conversation I want; I love to talk about this and this and this and whatever.
I think that’s taught personally. I don’t know. But you ever think about that, but I think personally that’s totally okay to just be like, this is who I am. This is what I need.
Ieva:[00:21:55] I think it’s great. Yeah, of course. Because there are people out there that they’re happy to talk about the shoes that they’re going to wear. And then there are those, I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like my shoes, but then there are those that like to think about bigger things in life and the legacy and their beliefs and what they want to leave behind them and you know what they care about. So, I do think that’s important.
Katti:[00:22:20] I do have a very kind of wear the pants personality. This is one area of my life. I do not want to wear the pants. I want to be pursued. And not that I am not willing to initiate things, but I want someone who’s going to make an effort in that way. However, I also know that that’s a lot of pressure for a guy. That’s a lot of responsibility and pressure.
Now, I always let them reach out first. I’m not going to reach out. I’m not going to be the first one to reach out, but if I see that, it’s like, you know, every day, all they say is good morning. How are you. You know, and it’s like three days in a row of that, and that’s all they say. Then I might throw out one of those little icebreaker things just to get the conversation in somewhere different, and I find that has helped just because I want to give someone a chance, you know, to have a decent conversation, but I also don’t want to be the one who’s always spearheading everything, but that’s a way to me to get the conversation going somewhere besides, how are you? You know.
Ieva:[00:23:21] I think it’s great Katti, and I wouldn’t even wait three mornings. If I get two mornings of good morning how are you, I would think, oh, you just, you just copy and paste to probably another 20 women on your phone book.
Elaina:[00:23:36] Right now with Facebook dating, I got seven conversations going, and the conversations have been the same for the last two days. Hey, how you doing? What you up to? How was your day? And it’s just like, it’s the same stuff every day from several different people and it’s like it’s like, what’s the point?
Katti:[00:23:52] You need to grab things in the corner.
Elaina:[00:24:01] It’s like I’m done with them. Who knew it was going to be this challenging? I figured. Yeah. It would be a little easier cause you think I’m trying to meet guys my age range and hopefully someone that has the same type of mentality. Like I’m very ambitious and I’ve had relationships before where I’ve been with someone who wasn’t ambitious and that doesn’t work out.
So, I do want someone that has goals and wants to be supported and motivated to achieve those goals. You know and do the same for me. And so, it’s just one of those things where it’s like, oh, this is exhausting. I’m exhausted.
Katti:[00:24:36] I think also in that area, like that’s something I’ve been very aware of most of my life, that I am more alpha, wear the pants kind of gal and I don’t, I know that can be a turn off to men.
But I also know it can be intimidating to men. And so that’s something that in my profile, I was very, very clear about in the beginning. Like I’m an entrepreneur. I, I lean very much towards workaholism and I want someone I want to make. I want to be with someone who isn’t intimidated by that. I want to be with someone who thinks that that’s cool rather than is freaked out by it or feels insecure about it. because I, I wanted to be upfront, like, I’m not, I’m not interested in someone who wants me to, you know, stop what I’m doing, or it’s going to complain about how much I’m working or whatever. I want someone who thinks it’s cool that I that I do what I do because that’s super important to me cause it’s a huge part of who I am.
And if it’s not something a guy can be on board with and no, I don’t want to entertain any further than that, so that I think it’s important if you have that kind of personality, that you’re upfront about it and just say, Hey, this is who I am and if that’s too much for you, this is not a good fit.
Ieva:[00:25:53] But that’s the thing. You know why for you now ladies, this, this is such a great time to date because you got this level of self-awareness. You really know yourself well. You really know what you want in life. You know this is gonna make that relationship even better. Have you considered, both of you? Dating slightly younger men.
Katti:[00:26:18] Okay. Can I just say, okay, I’m turning 44 on Tuesday. And I have had several, so the, the apps, like they bottomed out, like the 35 is the youngest that they would send me and I’m completely okay with that. I ended up moving it up to 40 cause I was like, every time I got someone that was like young, it started with a three it was like, Oh God, I feel like it could be a mom. I don’t know what it is. They’re there. I just, I have an issue with it. I don’t know why.
Elaina:[00:26:56] I have a couple of issues and it’s a couple of biases. It’s a couple of biases that I have. And one, it’s the whole Cougar vibe. That in itself is enough for me to be like
Elaina:[00:27:09] no, I’m good. So, here’s the other thing is when I see in dating profiles, like, I always try to filter out people who say that they want kids because I’m not having any more babies. That’s not happening. That is not in my future. I have my daughter, I love her. I’m happy with her. In three years, we’re going to be celebrating and doing trunk parties as I’m shipping her off to college, and then I can live my best life.
Like I want to travel, I want to explore, want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, and I want a partner to do those things with. So, changing diapers and feeding and bottles and no, that’s not happening. So those are some of the concerns with dating someone younger. Yeah. I normally don’t go below 38 but then sometimes I’ll say 35 just to see a couple of times, I think I’ve encountered guys that have said that they were like 40 yeah maybe in 10 years, because a lot of times they lie about their age because they want to date an older woman. But I’m sorry, I can’t be your sugar mama like that. I can’t, I can’t do that for you.
Ieva:[00:28:15] What if It’s not because of the sugar mama, but some guys, they like mature older women because they like the quality of the conversation.
They like the fact that. A woman really knows herself. They even like the fact that she doesn’t want to have children anymore because there are so many men out there that they’re not interested in having children.
Katti:[00:28:38] Yeah, I agree. And I, I did, I did have a pretty great back and forth with a guy that was 35, but they, but there was this, and if the conversation was great, and I’ve never wanted to have kids, that is.
It is comforting to me to meet someone that does not have interest in that. But it just, I think the part of me that, that doesn’t want to be the alpha in this area of my life is the part that gets triggered when it’s a young person because a 35 year old and a 44 year old, he is asking me if I feel like he’s asking me for advice or like he’s asking me to show him the way or something like that.
And it’s, it’s, I dunno. I mean, I know we’re just talking at this point, but still, like I, it was just, it just got weird for me. It just felt weird. I felt like I had way more experience than he did. In every possible way. I didn’t like that.
Ieva:[00:29:36] Don’t you think this is so interesting because the way, let’s say, men are, they would be like riving on that and there would be like, this is so amazing. Got someone younger and she’s got less life experience and she wants to learn. I find it very, very interesting.
Elaina:[00:29:58] Yeah. And I would agree. I do find it interesting. You meet a lot of men who say, yes, I love me. A strong independent woman. And reality is most of them who say that don’t. I find a lot of guys either want someone they can take care of or once someone that can take care of them, at least in my journey and the guys that I have encountered, I had a supervisor once who pointed out, she said, you are a problem solver, and she said, you’ve taken that and brought it into your personal life and you find these guys.
Who have been wounded or damaged in some way, and you connect with them because you want to fix them and show them the world’s a better place. I just don’t want to do that.
Ieva:[00:30:39] Now. That’s now that’s all coming up now. That’s all coming up now. I see, I see. That’s usually how it is 40 minutes later during a coaching call, 40 minutes later, that’s when bang it comes.
Elaina:[00:30:57] I want to be an equal.
Katti:[00:30:59] No, I don’t want it.
Ieva:[00:31:00] So, you’re not looking for a project. You don’t want a project anymore.
Elaina:[00:31:06] I don’t have the energy or the patience. I want someone who is truly an equal. in all sense of the word. I don’t have it in me to be dependent on someone. I have been groomed my entire life to be independent and that’s, I love that about me.
And that’s not going to change. But that does not mean that I don’t know how to compromise. And it doesn’t mean that I don’t know how to be in a relationship where there is a give and take.
Ieva:[00:31:34] So Katie, you’ve been married for many years, and from your experience, can you be an independent, a strong, accomplished lady, and still have a, a good marriage and marriage where maybe, you know, your husband is not taking care of these areas. Right. But he’s still contributing, and you contributing together and you building something together.
Katti:[00:32:00] Yeah. I, that is, that’s the goal for me right now. I think I’ve taken this time of being single to really, like revel in. Being the decision maker and being able to be in charge of things. yes, there’s a learning curve in some other areas, but I’ve learned, I’ve learned a lot from this time of the things that I need to be completely independent. I need to be able to be self-sufficient. I need all of these things.
I don’t want to rely on another person for those things ever again, because, I got burned. And so, I don’t want to do that. and I’m know that I’m fully capable. And I think that that, that’s what’s been fun for me about dating right now is being able to have those kinds of boundaries where I say, no, this is what I want, and I’m not gonna.
I don’t want to be with someone who’s going to try and be in charge of everything. But I do. I do want someone to take the lead, but I don’t want them to feel like they are in charge of me or anything like that.
Ieva:[00:33:04] So you want a team player, you want a team player, not someone who’s going to be possessive and things like that.
Katti:[00:33:11] Exactly. No, I don’t want, I shut that one down. I had one of those early on and I was like, Ooh, Nope. No, thank you.
Elaina:[00:33:19] for anyone that’s listening that is apprehensive to dating apps, what we’re, what we’re sharing doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. Maybe your experiences will be different.
And the one thing I will say, the dating apps are doing what they can to just make sure that we are all being safe and making sure great decisions. And I appreciate that and I know some of them do a really great job of verifying photos and social media accounts so that you know that at least you’re talking to who is in the picture based on profile, because you could still fake all of that, but at least there’s some effort being made.
I think for me, it just comes back to the fear of being vulnerable enough to let someone in and taking it. It’s a risk. It will be a risk. If I met someone at, at an event, at whether it was networking, church event, you know, a social event, it’s a risk all around people these days tend to be whoever they think you want them to be.
And sometimes they don’t reveal their true selves until it’s too late. And so, Ieva as a relationship and dating coach, how do you overcome that fear and that anxiety? And just so you know what, I just want to put myself out there.
Ieva:[00:34:46] So I like to give this example. you know, on a hot day when you are getting some ice cream and you know that this ice cream could melt and get all over your shirt.
But you’re still getting it because you know how refreshing it is, how delicious it’s going to be. So, it’s the same with love. Every time you’re letting a person and close to you, you know that you might have your heart broken. But you also know how great love feels, so you just take that risk.
Katti:[00:35:17] I agree. I, if I could add to that, I would say that this gets back to that vulnerability piece that I mentioned before where the more willing we are to be vulnerable, the more we’re opening that door for them to be as well.
It’s very hard to ask someone else. To be vulnerable and honest and open about themselves if we’re not doing it. So that is an area where I am totally okay to be vulnerable because it’s, it’s harder for someone to lie to that in my experience.
Ieva:[00:35:47] And I think also it’s the intention that you have, so every time, let’s say someone, for example, you met your friends to set you up and before you go on that date, check in with yourself and just see, okay, what am I thinking? Am I thinking that now I’m going to meet this guy and I’m going to waste two hours of my time? I should have not even left my house. I should have stayed at home. I should have worked on these things. Why am I even doing this? This is so stupid.
If you are going through all that, how are you going to show up on that date? What is going to be energy? It’s the same when you’re on your dating apps, so interacting with someone. Try to take a little step back and just check in with yourself, what am I bringing into this situation? Because I know it’s so easy to get discouraged and especially if you have, if you attracted a couple of people or maybe more than a couple that gave you this idea that all men cheat, they’re dishonest, they want to use me, they, they want to, you know, they want to lie about the wives and all these things. I think it’s important to check in with yourself.
Elaina:[00:36:58] Great points that you both made. It’s a learning curve. It’s a learning. and I definitely think that there are opportunities for us all to learn and grow. And you brought up a really great point when you said, check in with yourself and where do you thinking, how are you feeling?
Because I do believe that the energy you put out in the world is the energy that you get back. I think that’s one of the things that’s helped me somewhat curve my anxiety.
Katti:[00:37:23] I think also it’s in the same line as what Ieva was saying about your mindset when you go into it, that I think if we can, I tend to, maybe this is me being naive. It’s very possible. But I tend to err on the side of trust, until I’ve been given a reason not to. Because I feel like if I’m going into it with a lens of mistrust, then I’m not going to have very many positive experiences, if that makes any sense.
Elaina:[00:37:52] It does. It does, and I think I’m the opposite. I err on the way of caution. Obviously.
Ieva:[00:37:59] I can tell. I can tell.
Elaina:[00:38:03] If anyone didn’t notice. Maybe the difference, and Ieva, you can tell me based on your professional experience, if you agree, I think part of the reason why I have to err on the caution is because I am a parent and so.
Elaina:[00:38:14] Before I date anyone. Oh, please know I’m running a thorough background check, sex offender registry. I need to make sure you are safe to have around my child.
I met someone who was real, and he was who he said he was. I Googled him and he had just been arrested six months ago for violating. A domestic violence, order of protection, and so, no, I don’t care if you change. That was six months ago, bra. I’m good.
Ieva:[00:38:44] See, you’re talking to the wrong person because I’m someone that trusts people and I’m someone that would travel all across Southeast Asia alone.
And I would go to a place that I don’t know, a restaurant that I don’t know, let’s say in Vietnam, I would leave my things there to go to the bathroom and just to test if I can trust people around me. So, I like to take risks. It’s like that.
Katti:[00:39:12] This is probably way out of your comfort zone. But I, this one guy that I’ve been talking to, well, we discussed, intersections of where we live. So, we live close to each other. And he said the other day, he was like, Hey, happy Easter. And I was like, Oh yeah, it’s Easter. And then I said, it means I need to find some jellybeans.
And he said, well, I think you should be able to find him. The stores are open so you should be able to find some. I was like, yeah, it’s not essential though. I don’t really need them, so maybe I’ll keep that to myself. And about half an hour later he reaches out and he says, Hey, I’m actually going out to run some errands if I see some jellybeans, do you want me to get you some? And I was like. Wow. I mean, okay.
Ieva:[00:39:57] Cheap date. Cheap date.
Katti:[00:40:01] And then he says, okay, well, which kind do you like? And so, we had this whole conversation. I was like, this is ridiculous. And so then. you know, he texted me again about an hour later. He’s like, okay, I’m at this store and I didn’t find any. I’m like, seriously? It’s totally okay. I can’t, you know, that’s so nice of you even offer. He’s like, well, I do have one more stop. So, I’ll look and see. Wow, this guy.
So of course, he finds them, takes a picture of them and sends them to me, and he says, what’s your address? And I was like, Oh my God. And then I just gave him my address, like it was no big deal. And, you know, we’re in this virus situation, so he gets these jellybeans and he comes to my place, he hangs them on my doorknob and leaves, and then texts me and said, they’re at your door. So, there was no like, we didn’t even interact, and he brought me. I was like, you were, I just thought that was such a nice thing. But yes, talk about being trustworthy. I just gave this man my address.
Ieva:[00:40:55] Elaina, are you listening?
Elaina:[00:40:58] I’m listening, and I’m like, that was so sweet of him. I would not have done it. But, yeah. I would have been like, yeah I’m good. I’ll just order some when I get groceries. It’s fine.
Ieva:[00:41:13] The, the faith in humanity is restored by jellybeans.
Elaina:[00:41:18] It’s all about the jellybeans.
Elaina:[00:41:19] It’s all about the jellybeans.
Katti:[00:41:21] I was just floored to that, like, wow, that was so nice of him. I don’t even know his last name. He did message me the other day and he said, Hey, by the way. When I brought you those jellybeans, were you like hiding out somewhere so you could get a look? I was like, no. Yeah.
Elaina:[00:41:53] Jeallybeans. But that was really sweet of him.
Katti:[00:41:56] Yeah. I know.
Elaina:[00:41:58] You’re still messaging with him?
Katti:[00:42:00] Yeah. I just got a text from about five minutes ago. He’s nice and he wants to, he’s a chef. And can I just tell you, okay, cooking is my favorite pastime. It’s my favorite hobby and I’m attracted more chefs. So weird.
But anyway, he was like, yeah, I’m gonna, I’m thinking about making this dinner because, you know, on Saturday or whatever day it was, and he was like, I’m going to, I was thinking about bringing some over to you and I’ll just leave it on your front step so that you can have some, we can have dinner together in that way. I was like, wow, he’s going to cook and bring me food and then leave, and then. We’ll eat in our own homes.
Elaina:[00:42:41] You guys could video chat and eat.
Katti:[00:42:43] Yeah. That’s kind of what he was suggesting that we zoom, call and eat dinner that he made us.
Ieva:[00:42:49] And you met online yeah, in that horrible online dating.
Katti:[00:42:53] That horrible, see.
Ieva:[00:42:54] Wow. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
Katti:[00:42:56] The Facebook one no less.
Elaina:[00:43:04] The only thing that says to me is good for Katti, and if that’s what it takes, I’m single forever. So, Ieva, at the beginning, you asked me if I had hope based on Katti’s story, nope. I have to give him my address.
Katti:[00:43:32] I’m pretty sure that other people feel the same way as you like that. That was probably stupid of me, but you know what, it ended up, we’ve had some good conversations, but I wasn’t worried.
Elaina:[00:43:43] Yes. See in my head, if I would have agreed to that, I would have been thinking, okay, well the door’s locked. I have a security camera, so you’re on camera. I can do anything. And I got the alarm set.
Katti:[00:43:53] Same. But you know, there is the added element of, now this person knows where I live.
Elaina:[00:44:01] Well, you got them on camera at least.
Katti:[00:44:03] I do. I do. I forgot about that.
Ieva:[00:44:19] Oh, you’re so funny. I can’t believe you’re thinking about these things.
Elaina:[00:44:30] You’re on the security cam sir, you might want to mind your p’s and q’s. Oh man. He’s the person that made you feel comfortable enough. That you felt okay. If you had any concerns about him, you would be like, nah, I’m good.
I don’t, I don’t need the jellybeans. I’m watching my weight. Like you would have came up with a million excuses. So, he’s at least done a good job of making you feel comfortable enough with him that you, we’re okay with doing that.
Ieva:[00:44:53] But then maybe Katti work behind the scenes by opening up and being vulnerable, so then he could make that step with jellybeans.
Elaina:[00:45:06] He got to your heart with some jeallybeans. He’s like, I know what to get her hooked.
Katti:[00:45:19] Jellybeans. I’m not even a sweets person. But at Easter, the irresistible kind of thing to me is jellybeans. So yeah.
Elaina:[00:45:27] See if somebody would have brought me the Cadbury eggs with the chocolate, if someone would have brought that to my house. Oh yeah. I would have married him.
Katti:[00:45:35] That was actually, my mom’s response, she was like, you should marry him.
Elaina:[00:45:49] That’s amazing.
Ieva:[00:45:50] I just would like to say if someone who is listening. And they have absolutely lost faith love and they feel out, Oh, I don’t want to do this. I would say, just try one more time and what’s a one small step that you can take and don’t wait another week or two weeks or months to do that, but maybe today.
What’s that one thing that you can do, even if it’s updating your online dating profile or talking to couple of a couple of your girlfriends and saying, you know what? I’m actually single. Well, maybe joining some kind of club or group where you’ll be able to meet people that have similar interests to you. So, something very small.
Elaina:[00:46:33] Great advice. Okay. Katie, anything else?
Katti:[00:46:38] This was really fun. I didn’t really know what to expect coming into this, so, but it was, it was really fun to talk to you guys and Ieva thank you so much for your expertise.
Elaina:[00:46:49] Yep. Absolutely. everyone has their own story, their own journey, and I think the key is, get really comfortable and confident in who you are and if you are ready to take that risk and be vulnerable and give someone your address so that they can bring you jellybeans and you ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. That’s great. The rest of us, we’ll be sipping our wine. Whining about why we’re still single.
Ieva:[00:47:26] And dipping jellybeans into your wine.
Elaina:[00:47:30] Wine, tears, and jellybeans.
Ieva:[00:47:33] This is a great title for your podcast.
Katti and Elaina:[00:47:46] Wine. tears. and jellybeans.
Elaina:[00:47:49] It has been a phenomenal time getting to know you both, and I so appreciate you joining me in this discussion today and sharing a little bit about yourselves and your perspectives, and your expertise, and being vulnerable with me today. I appreciate that. So, Katie, if, the listeners want to find out more about you anywhere in particular, they should check out.
Katti:[00:48:16] Sure. Yeah. I think honestly, the best place to check me out. I do a lot of my stuff on Facebook, on my personal Facebook page, so my name is spelled a little funny, but facebook.com forward slash KattiPowell is a great way to get to know me and what I do in my work. if you just want to have an outside kind of look in, you can also just check out my website, singwithoutlimits.com
Elaina:[00:48:42] Alight Ieva, anywhere in particular if listeners want to find out more about your books, or you?
Ieva:[00:48:49] I just had so much fun. I think the last time I laughed this much was when I was looking at Coronavirus memes. And they’re really good memes. So people can get a, the first part of my book, the first chapter where you’ll be able to take that first step and become a bit more clear the kind of person that you want to attract. So, if you want to get that for free, you can go to, whyamIstillsinglebook.com. and then please connect with me on Instagram. That’s at IevaKamb, and you can type the same thing on YouTube and watch one of my videos.
Elaina:[00:49:31] Alright awesome. Thank you both very much, again for joining me today and I look forward to, hearing more from you both. Hopefully keep in touch and see how Katti and I do on this triumph of overcoming.
Elaina:[00:49:50] I’m going to go my dating that right now. Like if you want to bring me some jellybeans.
Katti:[00:49:56] You got another thing coming.
Elaina:[00:49:59] I’m getting ready to update my profile right now. All you need is jellybeans, bruh. Thank you everyone for tuning in and catch us next time on the Cope Queens podcast. Take care everybody.
Founder and Owner of Sing Without Limits
Katti Powell is the Founder of Sing Without Limits Vocal Coaching and the creator of The Powell Method. Katti’s clients have been featured on the hit series Empire, on Spotify & iTunes, on Broadway, and in feature films; and she is the coach to the 2018 KWC World Champion as well as several past USA Champions and World medalists. Katti’s vocal expertise combined with her years of experience auditioning professionally helped her develop a method that empowers her clients to win national & international singing competitions, get hired to front bands, and book dream roles on Broadway, National Tours & in Regional Theatre. Her proven secrets for gaining every competitive advantage available allow them to score higher and achieve bigger wins. She’s been a sought after judge in pageants and singing competitions nationwide.
In episode 17, Wine Tears and Jellybeans, Elaina is joined by entrepreneur and vocal coach Katti Powell along with author and Relationship and Dating Coach Ieva Kambarovaite in a discussion about their experiences, challenges, anxieties when it comes to dating …
In episode 16, Feel the Feels with Connie Anne Holman, Elaina is joined by a licensed therapist and life coach, Connie Anne Holman. They discuss how to allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling without judgment and the importance of …
In episode 3, The Strong Black Woman Syndrome, Elaina, and Tracy discussed the traits of strong Black women.