Feb. 12, 2020

Love and Accept Thy Self

Love and Accept Thy Self

In episode 10, Love and Accept Thyself, Elaina and Tracy shared what it means to love and accept ourselves and explore several relationship pitfalls and dangers when we do not.


“Something inside you emerges....an innate, indwelling peace, stillness, aliveness. It is the unconditioned, who you are in your essence. It is what you had been looking for in the love object. It is yourself.”- Eckhart Tolle.

When you look at yourself in the mirror, do you know the person staring back at you? Do you love the person staring back at you? How about, do you accept the person staring back you and all their imperfections? 

In episode 10, Love and Accept Thyself, Elaina and Tracy shared what it means to love and accept ourselves and explore several relationship pitfalls and dangers when we do not.

Elaina and Tracy started with the importance of loving yourself first. Self-love, self-care, self-compassion, and self-acceptance all build the foundation of loving yourself. 

In relationships, we made mistakes of losing own self while we are trying to win over the other person. We try to become whom we feel the other person wants us to be. 

Like, if this is who you are, great, let’s celebrate that. But if it’s not who you are, why do you feel you need to become this to be with somebody? Because we all say that we want acceptance. Shouldn’t they accept you for who you are? 

You are who you are. But I think we lose ourselves when we don’t know our selves well. It’s easy to become somebody else. Morph and transform into whom you think that person wants you to be when you don’t authentically love yourself or even know who you are.

Self-compassion is when you accept yourself, all your flaws, all your quirks, all the insecurities, and you’re saying, this is who I am, and I’m embracing it. Anyone who does also accept these things about you doesn’t deserve you.

Compromising who you are, your beliefs, your values in the relationship can also get you into some very traumatic situations that have real consequences. Often, I feel like when we don’t love ourselves, there’s a hole, and we seek outward for that validation and for that love.

I think, growing up not knowing what that healthy relationship looks like influences our behaviors and decisions. Like you were saying earlier, losing yourself and you’re trying to be this person for someone else, and you’re allowing people to cross those boundaries with you.

If you truly can’t look in the mirror and say, you know who you are. You know what your values are. You know what your morals are, you know your worth, and you truly do love yourself. I think those are the ones where it’s like, if you can’t do that, don’t try to force a relationship. Whatever the plan is for you and the path you’re supposed to take, it’s going to come to you when you’re ready.


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Transcript

Elaina: [00:00:00] Hey Tracy.

Tracy: [00:00:01] Hi girl.

Elaina: [00:00:02] How you doing?

Tracy: [00:00:04] I’m good.

Elaina: [00:00:04] That’s good. You know what I want to talk about today?

Tracy: [00:00:10] I don’t know if I want to say yes or what.

Elaina: [00:00:13] You want to know. Peaches want to know. Peaches, like, girl, tell me what you wanna talk about today. I want to talk about love.

Tracy: [00:00:22] Oh Lord.

Elaina: [00:00:27] Cause you know, I think that to Aquarius women talking about love is the perfect…

Tracy: [00:00:34] In who’s universe?

Elaina: [00:00:37] It is like a disaster waiting to happen. If ya’ll don’t know about a Aquarius women, you might want to just Google that cause

Tracy: [00:00:50] That’s that detached love we got going on.

Elaina: [00:00:52] It’s like, I will love you from afar, way, way over there. Go over there. We don’t do that touchy-feely nonsense over here. Go on about your business, now.

So, but on a serious note, like we always hear, Oh, love yourself, love yourself first. Self-love, self-care self-wellness, all these things. And it baffles me that, and I’m guilty of this too, I’ll be the first one to say that I have made some mistakes in relationships. And one of the things, there’s two things that I’ve noticed that we’ve had this trend of for a very long time as women, we get into these relationships and we lose who we are.

And we try to become who we feel the other person wants us to be. The perfect wife, the perfect girlfriend, his perfect ride or die. And I see, even if you watch reality TV, you see a lot of these women, it’s like, is this really who you are? Is this man or woman that special that you just lose your whole identity of who you are authentically?

Like, if this is who you are, great, let’s celebrate that. But if it’s not who you are, why do you feel you need to become this to be with somebody? Because we all say that we want acceptance.  Shouldn’t they just accept you for who you are?

Tracy: [00:02:22] Yeah. Yeah, I agree. Elaina, I, I got the opposite problem. I think my problem is I’m too much of me and it don’t work out, but it takes, it does back to people focusing so much on wanting to be in love and wanting to be that perfect person but somebody else and not really taking the time to be that perfect person for them, or at least, loving themselves enough where it at that point, it doesn’t matter that person takes you or leaves you. You just are who you are. But I think you lose yourself when you don’t know yourself. It’s easy to become somebody else. Morph and transform into who you think that person wants you to be when you don’t authentically love yourself or even know who you are. So, I can see how easy it could happen to someone.

Elaina: [00:03:15] Yeah. And I think that’s a good point. It’s that knowing yourself. And I think for me when I think about self-love that is at the front, like the top of the list of, cause I’ll be honest, I probably did not love myself until my thirties.

I think I spent a lot of time trying to adapt and adjust and become who I thought others wanted me to be rather than who I want it to be. I got to a point where I had to really look at the person staring back at me in the mirror and I asked myself like who are you? Cause I didn’t even recognize me anymore.

I didn’t recognize my actions. I didn’t recognize what I was doing, why I was doing it, who I was doing it for, and that was so out of character for me. For me to not be authentic creates a ton of stress and anxiety, which then led to my depression. I was depressed after that because I had lost myself and I think once I had figured out, that’s not you. This is, you own it, embrace it, be okay with that.

Tracy: [00:04:23] Yeah. Yeah.

Elaina: [00:04:24] Be okay with that. There are always going to be things that I want to improve on, but I think it also comes with self-love for me, once you’re at that place of self-love, where you’re truly loving yourself and you’re not putting someone else’s needs above what you need.

There also comes the self-compassion where you are accepting of yourself, all your flaws, all your quirks, all the insecurities, and you’re saying, this is who I am and I’m embracing it.

Tracy: [00:04:50] Yep. I was just gonna say that whole self-love piece, it doesn’t mean that you’re perfect because you’re going to have laws and like you said, they’re going to be things that you’re going to want to improve or whatever that may look like. But self-love is having that awareness and loving yourself and knowing that, okay, I may not be the best writer, but I cook the hell out of some chicken. I don’t know. For me, I think that self -love really meant knowing myself and self-love meant setting boundaries. I think that’s where I struggled when I was younger because I think I went through that phase, especially when I was dating.

It wasn’t so much, okay, I can’t be myself, but it was allowing my boundaries to be laxed a little bit, and then it was like before you know it, people had completely crossed those boundaries. I want to say that it was when one of those boundaries got crossed so far that after everything had been said and done, and it does have been settled and I was reflecting on it, I’m like, Oh my God, Tracy, I can’t believe you let things get this far. I think it was at that point where it was like, okay, especially in relationships, I’m going to have to set these boundaries and let people know this is what I accept and this is what I’m not. If you not, then we just ain’t riding anymore.

People still try to, not say I got it down to a science cause people still try to cross those boundaries, but I think it’s just continuing to set those and and knowing that those boundaries are being set because you’re protecting yourself. It’s a form of self-love.

Elaina: [00:06:22] I have a really close friend and he is an absolute jerk. Quite frankly, he’s an asshole, but I adore him, and I respect him because he is true with who he is as far as the experience that I’ve had in our friendship. And to see the number of women that he’s gone through, a, which there is a ton of them. But I’ve respected him because he’s upfront and honest.

Tracy: [00:06:48] Yeah.

Elaina: [00:06:49] If you want marriage, if you want roses, if you want chocolate, you want all these romantic things and be booed up 24/7 he’s not going to be that person for you.

Tracy: [00:07:01] Yeah.

Elaina: [00:07:02] But it never seemed to amaze me how many women thought that they were going into that situation and change him. Where I’m like why focus your effort on him?

Tracy: [00:07:15] Yeah.

Elaina: [00:07:15] Waiting for him to change. Why not find someone else that actually is going to embrace you the way you want to be embraced and loved.

Tracy: [00:07:25] Yeah. Yeah.

Elaina: [00:07:28] I mean, we ain’t talking about Idris Elba. Like I’m just saying like if it was Idris, I don’t know. I might sell out my own mama for that.

I mean, he a cool dude and he was, but it was, I didn’t see in him what they saw as far as that. I mean, it came off and I don’t want to be disrespectful because we all go through things.

Tracy: [00:08:02] Yeah.

Elaina: [00:08:02] And it always made me curious, like what was your journey that you put in this much effort into this dude? Who was this like, he was disrespectful to some of these women.

Tracy: [00:08:15] Yeah, I can’t, I don’t understand that piece.

Elaina: [00:08:19] Like, I would, he would tell me the conversations and things that he said. I would see the text messages that he sent. I was there when he talked to one of them one day. And when I say he was downright disrespectful and she on the phone, baby baby, please, baby, please.

Tracy: [00:08:38] Yeah.

Elaina: [00:08:39] That’s when I think of someone who doesn’t love themselves because someone who loves themselves knows their worth and will not tolerate that from anybody.

Tracy: [00:08:48] Yeah, absolutely.

Elaina: [00:08:51] Because it can also get us into some very traumatic situations that have real consequences. And I don’t know if it’s seeking love that you didn’t get, or you didn’t have or you have experienced. Because often I feel like when we don’t love ourselves, there’s a hole and we seek outward for that validation and for that love.

Tracy: [00:09:10] Yes, yes. I was reading somewhere just really quick and they were talking about that exactly. That sometimes we are drawn to those people who we feel have something that we don’t have within ourselves, and we constantly try to get that from their person. Pretty much. You should look at that rejection of not getting that from that person as the sign that you need to try to fill that void or that hole within yourself. I agree with that 100%.

Elaina: [00:09:38] For many, it is definitely, you know, the relationship thing, and for a lot of people, marriage and kids, like that’s their dream, what they want to fulfill their life and there’s nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with that. Don’t force the situation with someone that was not made for you. Sometimes you’ll have to kiss a whole lot of frogs this day and age to get to that prince that’s perfect for you. He may not have been perfect for the first three. But maybe he is perfect for you. But if someone, is that the Maya Angelou quote, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Tracy: [00:10:10] Yes.

Elaina: [00:10:11] Now we talking about a man that clearly you don’t show you, he tells you and shows you.

Tracy: [00:10:17] Yeah. Yeah.

Elaina: [00:10:18] I’m not talking about the ones where it didn’t work out, cause there were a lot of people where it may not have worked out in the first few situations, but you may, he, hey, he was waiting for you and that’s beautiful.

Tracy: [00:10:28] Yep. Yeah.

Elaina: [00:10:29] Or she was waiting for you. That was like, whatever the situation is I’m talking about when you know this is not the person for you, but you are just trying to force this to work because you don’t want to be alone.

Tracy: [00:10:43] Yeah. And then I’ll always try to look at it too. Like you and I, I hate to say this phrase, but I’m gonna say it, we’re women of a certain age where we’ve experienced a lot already, and I think the things, our viewpoints come from that experience. Without that experience, will we have, would we’d be in the same place that we are now?

So, some people are walking that path and maybe these are those experiences they need to get them where they need to be at a later stage in life. I really wish I had the insight I have now in my twenties and my thirties, oh my God. But I appreciate having it now, wanting to share it with my daughter and hoping that she listens. Cause that’s another battle at that point when they get old enough and they don’t want to listen. But to be able to share with her things that I’ve learned and hope that she can learn from my mistakes. But sometimes experience is the best teacher. So, sometimes people won’t see it. They have to go through it. They do.

Elaina: [00:11:45] And that is a very valid point because there are a lot of people out there that I feel like they always think that, well, that was your situation. That doesn’t mean it’s going to be that way for me. And the only thing I can do for you at that point is to pray that you’re right. That is not going to work out that way for you.

Tracy: [00:12:03] Yes.

Elaina: [00:12:03] But for those that are out there, that if you truly can’t look in the mirror. And say, you know who you are. You know what your values are. You know what your morals are, you know your worth, and you truly do love yourself. I think those are the ones where it’s like, if you can’t do that, don’t try to force a relationship. Whatever the plan was for you and the path you’re supposed to take, it’s going to come to you when you’re ready.

Tracy: [00:12:34] Yeah.

Elaina: [00:12:35] Spend time getting yourself ready.  I don’t understand that and I know that, yes, you and I are at a mature age then some that are probably listening, but at the same time, there are still, women are a still chasing that dream. Like they in the club, they, they the creepy old lady in the club trying to floss and dab.

Tracy: [00:13:03] She’s just want a drink. She want a cocktail when she get off of work.

Elaina: [00:13:08] No, no. I promise you, now see, I’m gonna get in trouble for this one.  I gotta an aunt, and when I say gotta aunt I gotta I got one particular aunt and I’m hoping that she does not ever hear this cause she don’t know what I’m talking about her in particular. But her old ass

Tracy: [00:13:29] You are so bogus.

Elaina: [00:13:32] Is still at somebody club twerking in front of somebody’s son, like somebody’s 22-year-old son. But it’s one of those things now always questioned. Is that really fun? Like is that, to me, that’s not fun anymore. And maybe I’m just old, older, like in numbers she got me in numbers, but maybe just in my spirit or my soul. I’m old. Like I don’t know at this point, but I just, it baffles me even when I see. See some of y’all don’t realize this, but, but I do kind of troll social media of sometimes, I just see what some of the stuff y’all where, where y’all still go to the clubs that I just think your old ass shouldn’t still be in a club. But that’s just me because that’s how I live my life and yes, I’m being somewhat judgy. Get over it. I’m not perfect, I’m trying to understand. I’m just trying to understand. If I was 22 in a club and a 70-year-old dude was twerking in front of me, I don’t know that I would be turned on by that. Unless it was like Idris Elba. I would be like; whose granddaddy is this?

Tracy: [00:14:43] Here go Idris again.

Elaina: [00:14:46] You know? And, and it’s so weird to me because when I think about it, I’m like, well, I think about how old I am and I think about how old she is, and it’s just one of those things where it’s like, huh, it does not compute. Like it’s a glitch in the matrix this doesn’t make any sense to me. I’m trying to understand, but I understand that everybody has to experience their life the way they want to experience it.

I just hope that we start loving ourselves more and love ourselves in the right way so that we get the love that we actually deserve and not allow somebody to, not have to conform and keep trying to be the person we think other people want us to be.

Tracy: [00:15:32] Yeah. Or that we take time and we find out, you know, what is it that we like, what is it that we love about ourselves and what is it that makes us happy?

What are those boundaries that we have or what are those? I think knowing all of that kind of prepares you for being with other people. Cause it’s like once a person knows that you have that, I think that love for yourself and they can see that and you’re not wavering on it, then it forces them to treat you accordingly.

Elaina: [00:16:03] Yeah.

Tracy: [00:16:04] I think when people know that you don’t have that, that self-love, you don’t have those boundaries. You don’t know what you like. You like what they like. You want to do what they do. You don’t have any of those things set in stone. Then it gives them that license to treat you however.

Elaina: [00:16:21] One of my, one of my favorite quotes is, you teach people how to treat, you.

Tracy: [00:16:24] Yes.

Elaina: [00:16:25] When I say you teach people how to treat you, I think when you first meet someone and interact with them and you starting to get to know, maybe we dive in too quick. I feel like there’s just a lot of people out there that fall in love really easily and really quickly, I’m just not that person. And maybe that’s one of the biases that I have that I’m not able to understand because I’m not that person where we can go on two dates and I’m picking out wedding dresses.

Tracy: [00:16:52] Yeah.

Elaina: [00:16:53] That’s just not going to happen. And then it makes me question like, well, why do we fall too hard so soon?

Tracy: [00:16:58] Yeah. Yeah.

Elaina: [00:16:59] To me, it still goes back to that there’s something that’s incomplete within you that you’re hoping that this person is going to fill for you.

Tracy: [00:17:06] And I think people, I think people fall in love with potential. They see someone and meet someone, and they see the potential in that person, or they see.  Instead of seeing what’s right before them.

Elaina: [00:17:18] I had a friend say, that’s me, about 20 years ago. She was like but girl, he got potential. Well, Imma need him to potential his ass to some potential and get it together before he comes back over here. I don’t do the, he got potential. You either got it together get the right now or you ain’t got it together. I’m sorry. All y’all out there loving the man has got potential. God bless you. 

Tracy: [00:17:41] Seriously. Seriously, girl.

Elaina: [00:17:44] Yeah. I don’t want nobody that still trying to find their potential.

Tracy: [00:17:47] I think that’s how people, they fall in love on date two, you know? It’s like you don’t know anything about them, but you like what you’ve seen date two? And it’s like, yeah, love is when you know the person, you know the good, bad, and the ugly, and you still want them for who they are and it’s that superficial like or passionate people fall back on.

Elaina: [00:18:08] And I think too, that sometimes there’s this physical attraction and some of us lose our minds.

Tracy: [00:18:17] Yeah.

Elaina: [00:18:17] I’ve definitely been physically attracted and being in relationships where it was all based on physical attraction, but at some point, it’s like, okay, that wears off and I can move on. But I think for some of us, that’s when we get into that cycle of, ooh, he cute, or things that he has, or things that he does that I think plays a part for some of us that can really truly get us into some bad situations.

Tracy: [00:18:43] Yeah. Yeah.

Elaina: [00:18:45] And I just said, we have to make, we want a better life and we want that life that we so desperately are seeking, we have to become aware of how we view those things and how we show up and how we represent ourselves. You know, I talk to my daughter all the time, like, make sure you leave the house and your hair is done and your clothes are together. And it’s just one of those things where it’s like you want people to know how you feel about yourself.

Cause to me that’s the first impression that you make. When someone sees you out and about and it’s not about you want to look a certain way for somebody else. You want people to know that you are a person who loves yourself and respect yourself so that they know how to treat you. My mom and I had this conversation the other day and it was so funny because I don’t even know how we got on the topic.

But she was talking about how some of the things that we have in common is growing up. I had a lot of male friends. I have more male friends than I did female friends, and she had a similar path. And so she had a lot of male friends, and so they used to joke and talk about in high school, the girls that they were able to do certain things with that other girls when go let them do  and I had a similar experience because even as an adult, I had one of my oldest friends, he was just like, yeah, Elaina it was like, well we back in the day he was like, I had a crush on you forever, but I wasn’t going to waste my time cause I knew you weren’t putting out.

Really. If that’s your impression, then I’m happy you made your decision cause you right, it would not have gone down that way. And so it just, it just brings me to this place of this, there’s this cycle where I feel like as females we will give up who we are to earn the affection of someone else.

Tracy: [00:20:31] Yeah. Yeah. I think that’s a hard one. I’ll say that. That’s a hard one and I don’t know if there’s an easy fix or answer for it. I think hopefully, because I know you know some people who are well advanced in age and they still struggle in that area, but for a lot of people, I really do think it comes with time.

I think until that person reaches a point and they can look back and reflect on it and learn from it, will they ever be at the point that they realize it for themselves. I don’t think it’s anything anyone could say or do to get them out of that. It just has to be something. That kind of wakes up within them.

Elaina: [00:21:13] It could be, but for those that are listening, if you feel like you are in a position where you can look in the mirror and don’t know who you are, or you’re in a relationship and you feel like you are constantly compromising who you are, what you are, what you believe, who you want to be, there are resources out there to help you change the situation. Because I feel like we should all be able to live our best life.

Tracy: [00:21:41] Right.

Elaina: [00:21:42] And I feel like if we were as a human race, if we were all healthier emotionally and mentally, I think we would see less of that happening. Cause I’m terrified, especially for our younger generation. It, it terrifies me because I’m wondering if you’re, if this was the example that you had growing up, because I know a lot of my friends that struggled with it and most of them have turned that around. I struggled with some of it to an extent, and I just hope that the younger generation, the kids that are in middle school and high school, and I don’t know the exact statistic, but I can tell you, high school girls and college girls are at higher risk of being in abusive relationships than anyone else.

Tracy: [00:22:37] They are. I volunteer for domestic violence organization and one of the things they have us go through is domestic violence training. And then we also have to sit in a courthouse and just listen to the cases. And these are young women coming into court, getting temporary restraining orders against their partners and sitting in there, the girls, 18,17 young girls getting orders of protection against their partners and even talking with some of the instructors during the class, they said they’re actively going out. In their most popular clients are high schools. They’re going out to high schools, trying to be proactive and have those conversations with them very early because it starts really early.

It really does, and that’s, I think, growing up not knowing what that healthy relationship looks like. Like you were saying earlier, losing yourself and you’re trying to be this person for someone else and you’re allowing people took cross those boundaries with you. I think there’s a whole bunch of dynamics in place, but it does start early. It starts really early.

Elaina: [00:23:44] Yeah, it absolutely does. Well, if you are looking for resources, you can definitely find some resources at copequeens.com. Feel free to connect with us on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and we will talk to you all soon. Hope you enjoyed this episode, Tracy. Anything else?

Tracy: [00:24:01] Nope. Bye guys. Until next time.

Elaina: [00:24:03] Take care everybody.

Tracy Hampton

Learning and Development Consultant